Listen to Christmas music 24/7–on Pandora, on TV, on your computer, etc…Because there’s nothing like listening to tunes about stalker Santas, socially ostracized reindeer, random flocks of birds such as partridges and French hens, “romantic” blizzards, and a snowman with a short life expectancy (poor Frosty) to get you into the holiday spirit. Just don’t overthink the lyrics and you’ll be full of Christmas (sorry, HOLIDAY, I guess I’m just not politically correct enough to live in Oregon) spirit in no time.
Play in the snow. Or if you live in Eugene, splash around in puddles. It’s the same thing, really, just in a different form. Except rain is like the dysfunctional younger sibling of snow–it can’t seem to pull itself together, it is associated with gloom and misery, and it’s usually no fun at parties.
Go “shopping.” Note that this doesn’t actually require you to buy anything. All you have to do is wander around different stores, listen to Christmas music until your ears start bleeding, make a game out of deciding which store has the most politically correct holiday decorations, and inhale the delicious smells of artificial pine-scented everything until you start feeling nauseated. At that point, you’ll probably be so disillusioned by the commercialization of Christmas that you won’t want to buy anything at all, thus saving you money in the long run! I think it’s a great plan.
Bake tons of delicious cookies, pies, cakes, etc…Because apparently, at some point, someone decided that the only time it’s socially acceptable–and even required–to binge on sugar-loaded treats is during a particular holiday. Therefore, we’re made to feel Scrooge-like if we decline a sugar cookie at a Christmas party, but guilty if we stuff our faces with brownies anytime after January 1st and before Valentine’s Day. Gotta love our country.
Watch Christmas movies. Bonus points if you can look at a quote from It’s a Wonderful Life and automatically read it in the character’s exact voice and tone. I promise I won’t judge you if you enjoy watching Heaps of Sentimental Drivel (sorry, small typo, I meant Hallmark Christmas movies) on a regular basis. Honestly, I feel like I can’t judge because I still watch Elf every year, so…
Post plenty of Christmas-related photos on Facebook or Instagram so that everyone knows you’re having the BEST holiday season EVER and that you’re OMG SO FULL OF HOLIDAY CHEER. 5 extra points given if your photos include any of the following: a pine tree, a Starbucks cup (which tragically, is only plain red now, since apparently a lack of snowflakes is a clear sign that Starbucks is the devil and our country’s morals have reached rock-bottom), a Santa hat (my spell check insists that I capitalize Santa), a reference to a Christmas song or movie, or a candid (AKA carefully posed) photo of you gazing deeply nostalgically at some twinkling lights or a snow-filled landscape. #deepthoughts, #holynight, #peaceandloveforall.
Wear your Christmas-themed clothes every day because if you’re going to buy a sweater that is only socially appropriate to wear for 1/6 of the year (or 1/12 if you believe that the Christmas season doesn’t start until December 1), then you probably want to make it worth however much money you spent on it. Unless, of course, it was a freebie handed down by some relative.
Read How the Grinch Stole Christmas to your kids/younger siblings/cousins/nieces/nephews/etc… and remind them that (1) Christmas doesn’t come from a box, (2) it’s nearly anatomically and physically impossible for one’s heart to grow three sizes, and even if it did, the Grinch would probably go into cardiac arrest, (3) Mary Lou Who must have had vision problems in order for her to mistake the Grinch for Santa Clause (guess she needs contact lenses for Christmas), and (4) it’s typically considered animal abuse to hook a dog up to a heavy sled loaded with what probably amounted to hundreds of pounds of presents.
Light plenty of holiday-themed candles and place them around your house in strategic locations. Just don’t forget to blow them out before going to bed or they might catch the furniture on fire, destroy your Christmas tree, scorch the mistletoe, and force you to start a holiday GoFundMe account to raise money in order to replace all of the fancy presents that you bought instead of having an “old-fashioned” Christmas by giving your kids oranges and pennies in their stockings and refusing to buy the aforementioned candles that have artificial ingredients and weren’t made by hand with beeswax or animal fat. Not that they didn’t have house fires back then, of course. They were probably just less forgetful because they had to rely on their memories and not their iPhone to remind them to blow out the candles.
And most importantly of all, don’t forget to maintain your sense of humor.